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Gil Amelio

Apple CEO Tim Cook ousted as Gil Amelio takes the helm as new Chief

The Apple board, meeting behind closed doors Sunday night, voted to oust Tim Cook as CEO. In his place, former Apple CEO Gil Amelio was voted in as interim lifetime CEO. “I am so glad to be back at the helm of this ship that is Apple,” Amelio proclaimed. “We’ll be placing this ship in dry dock and reinventing its wheels.” The board had no comment on its decision, only to issue the formal written statement that it has nothing to do with the recent Papal visit to Cupertino. Management Shake-up  Amelio went on to further state that, “Cook will maintain an advisory position with Apple with the new title as Captain.”  The Captain could not be reached for immediate comment as he was preparing Amelio’s French-pressed coffee with cream and sugar. However, an intern reported that Cook had already been severely reprimanded. Apparently Cook returned it with Sweet and Low and not Splenda. To which Amelio told Cook, very Kevin Spacingly; “If you can’t follow  simple instructions, how can you be trusted with smaller decisions?” Sweeping Product Line Shift                         Extending the nautical metaphor Amelio announced a sweeping shift in its pursuit of dominating the underlying digital technology and circumnavigating back to the company’s analog roots.  Gill was heard saying;  “We started with analog, right?” iTunes Store shelved in favor of the iBrick and iMotor Store  To this end, Gil announced plans to shut down the iTunes Store. “As soon as we finish selling out all the digital inventory in our warehouses, we’ll move to our new franchised line of iBrick and iMotor stores.” The new product line includes: i45’s analog disks i33’s analog laser disks i78’s floppy albums Apple Hangs up iPhone in favor of the iRotary Landlines  The next step to the conveyor chopping block holds the... Read On